Over the years I have taught that narcissists struggle mightily with fear. Yet commonly some will say: “Fear? I don’t see it.” Sure enough, the pattern of narcissism is portrayed via traits that don’t necessarily imply fear. For instance, narcissists are known as stubborn, pervasively selfish, insensitive, controlling, exploitive, condescending, angry, and uncooperative.
But looking beyond the surface, other more clear indicators appear. For instance, narcissists can be absurdly defensive. They can refuse to be emotionally vulnerable, and they certainly won’t take responsibility for problems they create. They are secret keepers, commonly evasive, lying, and covering up. They use “boomerang communication” (“Me? What about you?)
These ingredients show how easily narcissists feel threatened. They dread appearing weak or susceptible to unwanted scrutiny.
Taking it further, we can ask: “What do narcissists actually fear most?” Let’s consider several possibilities:
- They fear the loss of control, or more specifically, the loss of power.
- They fear being exposed as weak, flawed, needy, confused, or having a history of brokenness.
- They fear the loss of prestige due to decades of crafting a favorable False Self.
- They fear being deemed irrelevant.
- They fear being criticized, since that implies inadequacy.
- They fear being humiliated, exposed as a failure, or worse as a joke or a loser.
- Needing to feel special, they fear the loss of praise.
- They fear their own failures, or just the hint that they might fail.
- They fear being called out for phoniness.
- Assuming your uniqueness implies rejection, they fear your independence.
Keep in mind that narcissists insist upon propping up a self-flattering persona, which means they will do all they can to hide such fears. But despite their efforts to cover up, you can know their fears are in play as you witness the frequency and fullness of their ugly anger. They can be openly harsh and aggressive. They can resort to multiple passive aggressive behaviors. They can hold grudges for a long, long time. And as they do, they imply: “In this moment, I am feeling very threatened.”
Then beyond their anger, they are typically eaten up with envy and jealousy. That is: “I want what you have; I don’t want you to have what I have.” Enough is never enough for a narcissist as they seek to soothe the fragile ego.
As you see the signs of a narcissist’s fears, it can prompt you to ask reflective questions:
- How/when did you decide your world is so unfriendly and unsafe?
- Why can’t you be a regular person like everyone else? What are the roots of your entitlement?
- Your agitation is always nearby. What’s that all about?
- What causes you to shun soft traits like tenderness, patience, or gentleness?
- Why are you unable to think objectively? When others are indeed judgmental, different, unavailable, or annoyed, why do you make it all about you?
- Why is asking for forgiveness so hard, to the point of impossible?
Sure enough, each of us has reasons to fear, in the sense that the world can be unsafe. We each have received unwanted, ongoing messages of rejection and judgment. But the healthy person is differentiated from a narcissist by the ability to apply insight and to forge a better life built upon calm self-confidence. Narcissists, however don’t learn. Their fear overrides the possibility of finding wisdom. It’s that central to who they are.
As narcissists refuse to ponder reflective questions, as they justify and rationalize their obvious flaws, as they predictably blame and deflect, and as they require your blind deference, it can hit you…This person is inside a cage of his/her own making and cannot get out. They are locked inside their own psychological prison.
The key that would unlock the cage of fear is honesty. But the narcissist concluded a long time ago: “The only thing I’ll get with honesty is trouble. Count me out.”
And so, they remain inside the cage, blaming you all the while.
Les Carter, Ph.D.
To watch the video on this topic, click here.
