Some people are naturally cooperative and encouraging while others instinctively bully. Narcissists, to no one’s surprise, are psychologically primed to shun cooperation and encouragement while majoring in bullying. As bullies, they initiate unwanted intrusive behaviors in the attempt to create subordination. Driven by free-floating anger, they prey upon [presumably] weaker persons in the attempt to establish unnecessary power.
Common traits include: verbal harassment, insults, ridicule, overpowering opinions, invalidation, illogical arguing, constant interrupting, threats of harm, sarcasm, and giving payback for seeming disloyalty.
As a therapist, I have heard countless people state something like:
That’s my father to a tee.
My mother would harass me until I finally caved in to her demands.
I had to work with a jerk who was impossibly demanding.
My life partner became this way, but initially I didn’t see it coming.
I had a sibling who tormented my every day of my childhood.
I have a friend who throws a temper tantrum when she doesn’t get her way.
Narcissistic bullies are profoundly insecure people who try to give the appearance of invincibility. Bullies carry stored-up anger that is so burdensome, they have to have an outlet, a flunkey, who becomes the receptacle for their displaced pain. Lacking basic coping skills, they presume they will resolve their many burdens by verbally and behaviorally pounding key people into submission.
Underlying their bullying patterns are strongly pessimistic presumptions. They often conclude:
Most people in my world are just screw-ups.
They don’t think or act right. (Translated: just like me.)
They need my influence, but they just don’t know it yet.
I have to establish the upper hand to prove how significant I am.
My psychological strength is dependent upon having others fear me.
As narcissists bully with both openly and passive aggressive behaviors, they are counting on you to shake in your boots with fear. They relish the idea of you struggling with shame and doubt as they elevate Self at your expense. They insist that any problem between themselves and you is all about you. If you could just get your act together, so the reasoning goes, there would be no need to set you straight. You just need to filter your decisions through them. End of discussion.
Of course, it is absurd for any person to justify treating a fellow human with the disdain of a bully, but you quickly learn that your efforts to reason with them goes nowhere. That being the case, it can be helpful to ponder some basic questions:
- Is the bully an emotionally steady person who should influence in your decisions?
- What pain is this person carrying? Is it fair to foist that pain onto you?
- What modeling of bullying has this person been exposed to? Is he/she able to learn from their own frustrated experiences?
- What does the bully not want you to know about himself/herself? (They simply will not be personally vulnerable, and there’s a reason for that.)
- Why do they take delight in your demise? Why are they so sadistic?
- Knowing the bullying behavior is persistent, how should you interpret their pleasant moments?
- What is it about your uniqueness that is so threatening?
- Why is compromise so off-the-table?
- Are these people truly oblivious to their inappropriateness? If so, how did that happen? If not, how do they rationalize their attitudes?
As you ponder such questions, you can get a profile of the one who must be overbearing. You can conclude that this person fears being irrelevant. Actually, fear is not a strong enough word. They dread being irrelevant. Likewise, they know virtually nothing about love, honor, and dignity. Furthermore, they are flummoxed by traits like encouragement, helpfulness, and compassion. In other words, they are pitiable people stuck in pre-adolescent patterns of irrationality and psychological ineptitude.
The bottom line is that narcissistic bullies are toxic, meaning there is no reason for you to take your cues from one so damaged. They are chronically unsafe.
When faced with ongoing bullying, pull as far away as possible. Seek assistance from trusted advisors and confidantes regarding your best strategies for individuation. Remember, there is much about yourself the narcissist is not primed to understand, then also remind yourself that your integrity is not up for grabs. You are in charge of you.
There will be times when assertiveness is necessary. Sometimes that assertiveness requires words, while at other times it requires action. And when the narcissist predicably responds harshly, prepare to enact consequences. That may require you to exit the relationship altogether.
The bullying narcissist needs you as an opponent, as someone dominate. Nonetheless, remind yourself: “I’m my own unique person, no apologies. I’m in competition with no one, that’s not how I roll.” Then as the narcissist stays true to form, you can inwardly claim: “I can do better than this. I respect myself. I trust myself.”
Les Carter, Ph.D.
To watch the video on this topic, click here.
