Each person is challenged with discerning right from wrong, then making lifestyle decisions accordingly. As we age, from adolescence through late adulthood, our opinions are inclined to shift, indicating how the topic is fluid and our decisions can be altered based upon all sorts of changes in personal and cultural circumstances.
As narcissists engage with you, their defining traits prompt them to consider right and wrong with self-serving attitudes fully intact. This sets them up for extremes as they discern (and that is a generous word) how to act in general. One extreme is the inclination toward rigid, controlling beliefs, while the other extreme is the inclination toward rebellion…”No one tells me what to think or how to act.” Let’s examine each.
“I’m right. Period. End of discussion.” In general, narcissists are guided by imperative thinking. This means they draw upon commands with no regard for others’ thoughts, needs, or perspectives. There is little room for dissent or robust discussion, but instead they insist upon conformity. Narcissists are often guilty of being too correct, to the extent that they ignore common decency. This mindset can play out in a wide array of situations. For instance:
- They can insist upon your deference as you coordinate schedules, money matters, work projects, and the like.
- When disciplining kids or subordinates, they can be abrupt, offering little room for unique expressions or preferences.
- As you share social circumstances, they have difficulty maneuvering through common differences.
- If they have religious beliefs, they are grounded in authoritarian attitudes, creating an in-versus-out mindset.
- If they have no religious beliefs, they can be intolerant of those who do.
- Politically, they tend to be unbending in their convictions, eschewing healthy dialogue with those who might offer unique perspectives.
- When they conflict with others, their anger is quite stubborn and forceful.
Narcissists who must be right interpret your differences as rejection. They are too thin-skinned to consider that someone beyond themselves can offer worthy input.
“No one tells me what to do or how to think.” This extreme features narcissists who are bent toward rebellious individualism. They are adamant that no one will under any circumstances have the final say in what they think or how they prioritize. This can set up an I’ll-show-you attitude when they perceive they are supposed to conform to common norms. They think: “I’ll do what I want to do and I couldn’t care less about your understanding of right and wrong.” This leads to predictable results. For instance:
- They take pride in being unruly with their independent ways. Even when common sense indicates they should be more moderate, they refuse any hint of being tied down.
- To others, they seem impulsive or rebellious, drawing only upon the mood of the moment.
- They utilize little future thinking, meaning they do not consider how their choices will result in eventual complications.
- They feel an instinctive, automatic disdain for accountability.
- They have low regard for the pain or damage they create in others.
- Being a team player is not their style.
- It’s all about me, and if others don’t like it, too bad.
Complicating matters, many narcissists float between these two extremes. Sometimes the rigid narcissists sidestep their own principles as they encounter rules they don’t like. And sometimes the rebellious narcissists become rigid as they protest against others’ freedoms. (No one ever accused narcissists of being pure in their application of standards and values.)
Interestingly, there are common themes in each of these extreme approaches to right and wrong. That is, the False Self remains fully intact, prompting the refusal to be honest and transparent. Also, integrity (such as it is) is fluid, meaning they appeal to standards on a come-and-go basis. Likewise, traits like love and respect are nowhere to be found. Instead, they are users who see others as little more than a means to their own ends.
Being objective, we could make a case for each of these two mindsets. Sometimes, we need strong firmness as we interact with others. Other times, we need out-of-the-box thinking that celebrates free choice and alternative options. Healthy individuals are willing (when necessary) to walk the middle path, maintaining balance between strong conviction and open-mindedness.
Being right is good, just as being flexible is.
Overall, a person can find that healthy middle ground when they appeal to traits like humility, patience, tolerance, kindness, self-restraint, honor, and common decency. Likewise, we are at our best when we take competitiveness out of relationships, prioritizing listening. And dare I say, it means knowing when and how to compromise when seeking harmony.
Ultimately, the supreme correctness is love. Narcissists on either extreme tend to be confounded when challenged to love those they do not understand. But healthy people acknowledge: No one should approach the topic of right and wrong in a way that renders them incapable of integrity and common decency.
Les Carter, Ph.D.
To watch the video on this topic, click here.
