It’s quite normal to wish for satisfaction in your life. Naturally you want to feel gratified by your circumstances, your accomplishments, and your successes. You want relationships that feel safe. You like being regarded by those who know you best. Satisfaction is a worthy goal.
In their never-ending pursuit of the ideal life, narcissists also seek satisfaction, but when they find it, a feeling of smugness can take over…and inevitably it is accompanied by an attitude of condescension toward you.
The smugness of a narcissist can be detected when they cling to correctness at your expense. That is, they can mock you for having an unenlightened approach toward circumstances. To them, their good fortune “proves” their superiority. They cling to the thought: “I just make more sense.” They genuinely believe you should defer to them and their preferential ways.
Rubbing salt into the wound, when they err, they blame you. Then they will walk away thinking: “I’m sure glad I have so many positive traits that make up for my disappointing moments with you.”
Likewise, smug narcissists are inclined toward bragging or drawing attention to their achievements. Typically, they belittle you in the process. They thrive on being unique, special and they feel little need to be held accountable. They are not bashful about superimposing opinions. And all the while, they truly want no input from you.
Ugh.
As you experience the narcissist’s smugness, it is predictably off-putting, and it can raise questions in your mind about their need for brazen superiority. That being the case, I have four questions I’d like to pose as a way of reminding narcissists of the boorishness of their smugness. Obviously, the likelihood of these questions prompting a narcissist’s introspection is low, but I’d like to ask them nonetheless.
- How long will you remain simple-minded? Narcissists have little appreciation for complexities. Instead, it’s all about them. Their narrow ideas about what is best illustrates shallow reasoning since “best” is often a subjective pronouncement. As their differences with you surface, they have no interest in knowing your back story or your unique history. They don’t factor in your differing temperament type, nor do they consider cultural or familial influences. They simply tout their favorite subject, Me.
- How long will you prioritize agitation? On the back side of a narcissist’s smugness is irritability, impatience, annoyance, and tension. Being easily critical, they can think: “I’m so glad I’m not you.” Their competitive instinct compels them to think of themselves as the winner and you as the loser. And if you cannot accept that truth, they are quick to offer ugly rebukes.
- How long will you refuse guidance? In their smugness, you will not hear a narcissist say: “I can learn things from you. I like being informed and our differences are a great catalyst for exploring new perspectives.” Instead, they think: “Why would I receive input from you?” They defensively close themselves off from receiving outside enlightenment.
- How long will you pretend to be what you are not? Smug narcissists like to present themselves as complete, a finished product. But they are not. They refuse to say: “I’m in the same boat as everyone else. I’m a mixture of pluses and minuses. That means there is much for me to learn.”
Questions such as these expose the foolishness of narcissistic smugness, but their unwillingness to ponder such queries underscores a variety of unresolved problems. For instance:
- Smug narcissists are in massive denial. They cannot say: “I’m a work in progress.”
- They cannot take responsibility for their problems. When strains arise, it must be your fault.
- They are compelled to keep secrets and tell lies. After all, they have an image to protect.
- They are rendered incapable of empathy.
- Due to condescending attitudes, they perpetuate tension…within you as well as within themselves.
- Given the fact that true intimacy is built upon the sharing of the whole person, they form weak attachments.
- They experience ongoing emotional disarray since they cannot be honest about themselves, about you.
In their smugness, narcissists hide behind a veneer of phoniness. And due to the nature of phoniness, you will probably fail miserably if you try to talk sense with them. Instead, you will need to apply boundaries as you determine that a person who is falsely self-impressed has no place in your inner circle.
In the end, it becomes apparent: As narcissists embrace only the flattering parts of their persona, they render themselves incapable of trustworthiness. They have no clue that love and respect are built upon an acceptance of our shared humanity…and that includes lumps, bumps, and bruises.
~Les Carter, Ph.D.
To watch the video on this topic, click here.
