Whenever you disagree with a narcissist, you will predictably encounter arguing contrarian responses. Being highly controlling and adversarial, they are an ugly argument waiting to happen. It’s just what they are. Your independent thinking scares them, so they feel the need to shut you down. Creating an understanding, harmonizing tone is not in their skillset.
Once narcissists enter into an argument with you, their primary goal is to rattle you, to render you ineffective. Being master gaslighters, they will sow seeds of tension and anxiety.
A key insight to remember is: The more reactive you become to their chaos, the less effective you are. They are counting on it.
Knowing this, your task is to become watchful lest you fall into their snares. They will set psychological traps for you in the hope of making you look and feel foolish. They operate with an easily identifiable playbook designed to trigger you into ugly responses. This, of course, would allow them to claim superiority over you, which would then justify their need for dominance. But with psychological awareness, you can remain strong. The more vigilant you are, the less likely you will give them the poor reactions they seek.
With that in mind, let’s identify six of the most common tactics narcissists use in arguments. You will need to remain objective when they set you up to fail, and as you do, they will not prevail.
- Refusing to take responsibility for their flaws. Immediately, when it’s obvious that you disagree with them, they will go into denial mode. Narcissists are pathologically unwilling to admit when they err, so their first reaction is erecting a thick wall of defense. They will refuse to self-examine.
- Persistent use of reversal. When you suggest narcissists should listen or adjust, narcissists will throw the focus back onto you. Blame-shifting is inevitable. You’ll hear comments like: “Me? What about you?”
- Playing the Victim card. Even though the narcissist is the primary antagonist in ugly arguments, they will insist you are the one making them miserable. To them, you are the consummate creator of ill will in the relationship.
- Whittling away at your logic. During arguments, as you attempt to apply common sense, explaining how you have arrived at your interpretations, the narcissist will negate you with comments like: “You have a bad memory.” “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
- Peppering you with interruptions. The narcissist does not want you to find your voice, so as you articulate why you think and feel as you do, you will not be allowed to finish your train of thought. They will predictably come toward you with pushy, invalidating comments.
- Residual fuming. Once the argument has passed its crescendo, narcissists will remain sullen and moody. You will not have the satisfaction of knowing they will contemplate your thoughts and feelings. Instead, they will be proactively non-cooperative and passive aggressive.
Do these six tactics seem familiar? Sadly, narcissists are highly predictable because they can’t stop themselves from their juvenile reactions. They cannot and will not reason as a mature adult. Your task is to refrain from responding in kind. They don’t care if they are absurd in their tactics. They only want to goad you into your counter form of absurdity, and you can’t afford to let that happen.
Rather than letting the narcissist establish your pace during arguments, you have options:
- Recognize the narcissist’s desperation for dominance and control, then refuse to enter into the counterflow. No pleading, coaxing, or convincing.
- As it becomes clear the narcissist will only invalidate, state your position once, then cease.
- With no unnecessary justification, be you. Follow through on your decisions and initiatives. Let your actions and priorities be your primary forms of assertion.
- When necessary, physically remove yourself. You may have to declare: “I’m uncomfortable with the direction of our conversation so I’ll no longer participate.”
- When you receive the predictable blow-back, cease your participation anyway.
Focus on the word tactics. Narcissists have strategic short-term goals designed to undermine your healthy responses. They are intentionally sinister, wanting to force you into reactions that mirror their level of immaturity. They want to become a winner by making you look like a loser.
With psychological awareness intact, you can think: “Nope. Playing head games with me may be your idea of how to manage disputes, but that’s not who I am. If you can be clean in your practices, I’ll discuss matters with you. Short of that, our relationship will diminish and I’ll consider how much I really need to invest in someone who chronically manipulates.”
~Les Carter, Ph.D.
To watch the video on this topic, click here.
