In any relationship, certain traits are basic for success. Those traits include trustworthiness, empathy, fairness, affirmation, equality, anticipation, self-restraint, goodness, and many more. When I say such traits are basic, I mean they are foundational, essential, and necessary.
The traits at the foundation of narcissism run counter to successful engagement. It’s hard to be relationally successful in the midst of patterns like raw selfishness, excessive control, manipulation, a lack of empathy, superior attitudes, anger, defensiveness, phoniness, and the like.
You would think it is self-evident to focus on what works, while minimizing the patterns that clearly do not…you would think. But as you have repeated exchanges with narcissists and experience the futility accompanying their way of life, you can ask: “What’s going on here? Why does this person keep going back to traits that ensure failure?”
At some point, the truth hits you. “This person is not that bright.” Remember the old definition of insanity…repeating the same mistakes over and over, hoping the next time will bring better results. Narcissists will come toward you with the same tired, failed patterns, expecting you to flow with their inane mandates.
But your task is to see through their lack of common sense, staying grounded in the basics of healthiness.
With that in mind, let’s identify 10 of the most common signs that a narcissist is not playing with a full deck. (After reading each point, feel free to verbalize out loud: “That’s not very bright.”)
- Offering lots of criticism with the expectation that you will adjust to their liking. They are blind to the demotivating consequences of their relentless griping.
- Projecting insufferable superiority. Automatically, when you need to coordinate or manage disagreements, they become condescending, assuming you should somehow know you are the inadequate, inferior person in the equation.
- Spewing ugly anger, either of the openly aggressive variety or the sabotaging passive variety. All the while, they have no appreciation for its destructive repercussions.
- Being inattentive on special days. Lacking an encouraging spirit, narcissists commonly struggle with regaling anyone beyond Self. Showing appreciation feels unnatural, and even if they seemingly celebrate you, it comes with a price.
- Responding with yelling. If you ask narcissists to stop yelling at you, they will yell and tell you they are not yelling. Um, really?
- Blaming you for their egregious errors. Predictably narcissists blame you for the small problems inside the relationship, and even when they commit a serious breach of morality or ethics, it’s still your fault.
- Inappropriate grooming of others. Being needy, they can work hard to impress others for the sole purpose of gaining favor or affirmation. They cannot let go of their hunger for favored treatment.
- Lying easily and often. Truth, to a narcissist, is whatever they need it to be in the moment. They genuinely believe it’s ok to play with truth as they try to live inside a self-serving narrative.
- Being absurdly defensive. Narcissists refuse to receive input, especially in conflicted circumstances. Yet, simultaneously, they will accuse you of being closed-minded.
- Making lame excuse or offering non-apology apologies. If they are caught red-handed in gross errors, narcissists might express regret, but soon after, they are angered if you do not restore them to a position of full confidence.
As you spot these signs, you can naturally question: “Do you assume I can’t see through this lunacy? Are you that out of touch with reality?”
The narcissists might think in reverse: “Well, I’m counting on you to go along with my program. Stop asking questions.”
Remember, narcissists are not very bright.
Along with their dim-witted preferences and attitudes come predictable traits. Narcissists can be stubborn, closed, unreasoning, naïve, poorly informed, self-impressed, immature, non-empathetic, and contemptuous. None of those preferences and attitudes make for good relationships, yet they press on.
As you see the signs of a narcissist’s not-very-bright approach to life, there are key conclusions you can draw:
- There is no way the narcissist should be the one who informs you about the ways life ought to unfold.
- Evidence shows that this person is subversive. Narcissists are disinterested in your psychological well-being.
- Your insights are wasted when you explain yourself.
- You have no need to be joined with one whose willingly seeks to bring you down.
- If you must maintain contact with that person, it needs to remain superficial only.
Drop your efforts to reform the narcissist.
Choose instead to follow your own well-conceived initiatives.
Remove this person from the position of influence in your life.
You are dealing with someone whose elevator does not go to the top floor.
~Les Carter, Ph.D.
To watch the video on this topic, click here.
