Trying to coordinate with narcissistic people is difficult at best. When a person is defined by selfishness, controlling patterns, low empathy, and false portrayals, the end result is never pretty. But the effort to manage the relationship goes from bad to worse when two common traits consistently emerge…ignorance and dominance. When someone leads with those two qualities, you are faced with the proverbial bull in a china shop.
When I refer to a narcissist’s ignorance, more than IQ is at stake. Ignorance is not merely a lack of information or knowledge, but it is a lack of insight, understanding, and awareness. Likewise, dominance is more than just a desire for control, but a craving for power over others. Dominant people have an exaggerated attitude of entitlement. Being haughty and condescending, they think in terms of a hierarchy, punishing those who do not know their lower place in the pecking order.
Together, ignorance and dominance lead to all manner of chaos in relationships.
First, you’ll notice how this combination erodes the interior of the narcissist. Needing to be superior, these individuals have an ongoing propensity for destruction. They are disinterested in goodness. Additionally, their capacity for empathy is almost non-existent. Instead, they are prone toward anger, rage, hostility, and contemptuous feelings. Also, their defenses are off the charts. They easily make you feel miserable, but along the way they perpetuate misery within themselves too. In other words, inwardly they are a mess.
Taking it further, their impact upon you is palpable. They persistently displace their tensions onto you with chronic blame. They are provocateurs, attacking you at the slightest hint of discord, hoping it will generate poor responses from you. This allows them to play the role of prosecutor. Furthermore, they maintain many double standards. They are not just disinterested in you, but it doesn’t even occur to them to know you on a personal level. Over time, they prove to be anything but a team player.
When ignorance combines with dominance, there is a high likelihood that sociopathic tendencies will emerge. Their moral code is persistently set aside (assuming they care about morality at all). Dishonesty is their norm. Remorse is lacking. Being “on top” is all that matters.
Once you see these patterns within the narcissist, don’t underestimate their energy for affliction. They are quite willing to take down “little people,” those who are naturally dependent upon them in a variety of ways. This includes turning children into pawns. It may mean they are dirty business partners. They can treat coworkers with disdain. Within organizations or in politics, they dismiss the concept of goodness or service. They are interested only in self-promotion. They cannot be trusted.
Longstanding connections with ignorant/dominant narcissists can create trauma bonds. You can think: “I had hoped we could find some common ground.” But instead, you are left with dreams of what could be. Your wishful thinking can lead you into a form of psychological imprisonment.
Once you gain become aware of this pattern, dedicate yourself to strong personal boundaries. You cannot afford to let them establish your psychological well-being. Where possible, set definitive consequences. This could include making separate plans or disengaging from interactions that predictably end poorly. It might also require you to alert people in authority who can assist in your search for fairness.
Also, remind yourself that ignorant/dominant narcissists are masters of gaslighting. They want you to feel confused, so it will be essential to know your beliefs and stand firmly in them. Likewise, be judicious in self-revelations since anything you disclose can and will be used against you. Self-care is your highest priority, and if you can find support with fellow seekers of goodness, do so.
Lacking insight, these narcissists will continue as they are. Craving dominance, you will never be anything beyond a prop, a player on their stage to be exploited.
Since that person has no regard for your humanity, your task is to remind yourself: “I matter.” Then live into that notion.
Les Carter, Ph.D.
To watch the video on this topic, click here.
